the new year and open doorways

On an evening full of festivities and celebration, I find myself submitting to my body’s need to stay in and rest. I have been scrolling through the many reflections about 2018 on social media – the successes and lessons, the resolutions and intentions – and I feel a mix of emotions. In the traditional measures of success, I have accomplished very little over the past year. I could easily let myself spin out into a what-the-fuck-am-I-doing-with-my-life downward spiral of shame and despair. And I have done that, plenty of times. I can also feel into something magical that has happened that I can only describe as opening a door… one that leads deep into the depths of myself, and simultaneously outward into the world of endless possibility. I have yet to fully walk through that door and not turn back – I pace in front of it, I peek timidly inside, I step in and then jump back out, and sometimes I walk through and explore for a while. This exploration has brought a wide spectrum of experiences, with many highs and lows.

There has been grief, joy, heartache, surprises, pain, laughter, and many new discoveries. I have abandoned myself at times, and have also loved myself fiercely. I got really sick, and learned to rest. I am learning to say no, and also to say yes. I have realized how incredibly difficult it is for me to ask for what I need. I have started unpacking my internalized wounds and shame, internalized racism and sexism, my repressed sexuality and desires, and the divide between the masculine and feminine. I am slowly loosening my grip on the destination, and committing to the path. I realized that in order to be seen and witnessed, I need to let people really see and experience me. I have started to find my voice and expression, even though it still scares the shit out of me. I learned that I have gifts to share. I am often paralyzed by fear, and let it guide my decisions. I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone and had some amazing and heart-opening experiences. I am really proud of the way I’ve handled some things, and ashamed of the way I have handled others. I’ve done a lot of work. I have a lot of work to do. I am feeling grateful to myself and my own resilience. I am grateful to those that have helped light the path for me, those who have loved me unconditionally, and those who have challenged me and held up a divine mirror for me to take a good hard look at myself.

I pulled a tarot card tonight, simply asking for some guidance to step into the new year with. It was the Eight of Swords, with an image of a butterfly tightly wrapped around itself, and sharp swords surrounding it from all sides. It asked, what is keeping me from spreading my wings – “What keeps you suspended here? Yourself or others?” As I looked at this image, the only hands I saw holding those swords were my own. I can make the choice to unfurl, to blossom and bloom, to fly. The choice is my own. I know it will not be easy, but I am stepping into this next cycle with the deep understanding that it is time, and finally believing that I am capable.

Many blessing to you all as we step into the new year, and may we all spread our wings into their fullest expression.

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