flex

I’ve been flexing my vulnerability muscles a bit more these days, and it’s been quite a workout. It’s like that mix of yummy post-exercise endorphin rush, all sweaty and raw, with some aching muscles that I didn’t even know existed, the sting of an old injury, and then really needing some rest. Saying yes to opening and expanding is saying yes to a broad spectrum of experiences; more love and grief, pleasure and pain, greater depths and fleeting moments, lust and disenchantment, setting boundaries and finding their leaks, acceptance and rejection. It is exhilarating and invigorating, but can be exhausting for my emotional body.

I have always been highly sensitive, and my process moves at a slow roll – too slow for some, too sensitive for others, and that’s OK. I have a hard time trusting that people are willing and able to hold the depths of me if I let it all out, and can vacillate between feeling like not enough or too much. I am still building the resilience to know that getting rejected by another does not mean I have to reject any part of myself… and even feel grateful that when things fall away, it is making space for greater alignment in my life. I can remain strong enough to witness and hold space for others in their own expression, whether it is fully embodied or contracted and reactive, and not take them on as my own.

Walking around with my heavy armor has left no point of entry… to be receptive requires, first, a softening; an unclenching of my fists, relaxing my jaw and hips, deep breaths, deep listening, and being mindful of my words and actions. This does not mean speaking pleasantries when I want to spit fire, or that I shouldn’t be ruthless in removing the people and things that are draining my life-force. My wounds, pain, insecurities and fears all get a seat at the table, but they will not speak out of turn. When I look them in the eye long enough, they become weary and uncomfortable, confessing the lessons that they hold, and the keys to their unraveling.

I am feeling immensely grateful for the powerhouse women pouring into my life, lighting the way, seeing me, calling me out, and bringing me joy and sisterhood. I am grateful for the men who continue to show me their beautiful loving hearts, and the partnerships that show me what is possible. There’s really no reason to settle for anything less.

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