I have spent much of my life being the good girl – a feminine archetype born from a place of grasping for survival in this world. We all know her well – she is nice, sweet, accommodating, agreeable, she aims to please, and is very comfortable playing small. She is never quite ready, never sure enough, never good enough, and barely audible above a whisper. She is afraid to be seen and heard, remaining in a constant state of contraction. Her truths and desires are buried deep inside, never free to breathe or be born into the world. She is detached from her sensuality, her sexuality, from the terrains of her own body. Her aspirations do not stray from that of her partner, her family, or her predestined societal roles. She feels no shortage of guilt or shame for wanting more – more expression, more passion, more freedom, just MORE.
The good girl serves us for a time. She give us a sense of safety as we carefully navigate the world, seeking love and refuge. It means putting others’ needs first, always saying yes (even when you want to say no), always wearing a cheery smiling face, and apologizing whether or not you’ve done anything wrong. It also means smothering the fire in your heart and between your legs, so as not to make anyone uncomfortable, or invite unwanted attention or advances. It feels like the path of least resistance to approval and acceptance… and in some ways, it is. The problem is that over time, we deaden inside… we are left numb and unfeelable to ourselves and to the outside world. We can’t make decisions, because we don’t even know what it is that we truly want… we don’t know who we are. We have no agency, no sovereignty, no pulse.
As I have walked through life living up to what is asked of the good girl, and eventually the good woman, the Goddess of Rage has been dancing around a volcano inside me, summoning the steam and molten lava to rise. I am angry. So often I have spoken pleasantries when there are flame-tipped arrows set in the bow of my tongue. I have compromised when I wanted to fight, tooth and nail. I have listened to those in power try to control my body, my choices, my needs, my safety, and my voice. I have covered up my body when I wanted to let my bare skin touch the breeze. I have felt myself throw up heavy armor under a man’s gaze and count all the ways I feel unsafe. I want to know myself – all of my many flavor, my worth, my gifts. To dance in both my light and my shadow. To own my truth, my yes and my no.
There reaches a point where it is time for the good girl to die, and make room for the fully embodied woman. She is the wild woman, the one who carries the stories and the old ways, the one who remembers her power. There is no room for them both to live inside you if you want to thrive. This woman, like a mother wolf and her fatally injured pup, knows that the most loving gift and most fierce compassion that she can give to this wounded girl is to bring her a swift death. From this death we can rise up and can be witnessed in our beauty, our rage, our softness, our strength, our sensitivity, our sex, and our wholeness.
Instead of nice, let us be kind. Kind is not the same as nice – niceness is a passive default setting projected onto us, while kindness is an active choice that we make and embody. A kind woman is nurturing – not because it is expected of her, but because she has chosen to give her love freely. Kindness is not passivity – it is kind to speak your truth (even though others may not want to hear it), to set and maintain steady boundaries, and to hold yourself and others accountable for their actions. It is full presence and a willingness to listen. Kindness is fierce and unapologetic compassion, where your sweetness and softness meets your uncompromising strength.
As women we hold a deep wisdom in our body and feminine essence. You do not need to look to anyone else to tell you what you already know in your blood and bones. In your womb lies a multiverse of creation, an oracle in your pussy, ancient medicine in your hands, prayers of devotion on your tongue, a fire in your belly, and an endless well of love in your heart. Your intuition will scream from every cell in your body when it needs to be heard, and we only need to listen. Trust and fully feel your emotions; allow yourself to be vulnerable and present with what is. Let yourself FEEL. Your anger is valid, let it light the ignition of transformation. Let grief wash over you and bring you to you knees. Follow joy and let pleasure flow through your veins. There is no need to be ashamed of anything that arises, knowing that each feeling carries a message that has a place at the table.
We can become more intimate with our desires. Desire is a holy compass, illuminating the path we are meant to want to walk in the world. They point to what we yearn and long for, to what we want to create from the deep wells of our vessel. They light the way for us to walk through this world alive and awake, taking aligned actions to birth each desire into a living and breathing creation. You are allowed to be fully devoted to the altar of your own heart, to your truth, to the path that you walk. You have full permission – you ARE the permission – to take up space, to be ‘too much’, to want and need and feel, and to express and give and love.
May we embrace our sensuality and sexuality. This is your life-force, your creative flame, your divine power, your sacred wildness. The natural state of the feminine is turned ON, and we have an insatiable appetite to be ravaged by the holy fire that burns inside of us. We can hold boundaries around our hearts, our bodies, and our energy field so that we feel safe to express ourselves fully from these depths, and to feel safe to fully surrender to the masculine. Do not let yourself contract under this pull, but rather, expand and unfurl – opening to the pulsing, scintillating aliveness that warms your soft body, electrifies your soul, and undams your rivers.
The world is starving for embodied women. Playing nice is not serving anyone – not women, not men, not the planet at large. Lean into that place inside of you that is begging you to remember – surrender to it and unleash the holy wildfire that has been burning you alive, and penetrate the world with your truth as you rise up from the ashes.